She-Wolf of the NOLA

Yes, you read that right.  Wolf Tits 4 Mayor.  As promised, here's the biggest scandal in New Orleans since that other thing happened.  It had something to do with wind or something.  I don't know, I don't really follow the news.  Something about some chick named Krystal or Katherine, right?

Yup, here's Wolf Tits.  She's already got the endorsement of Jesse Ventura, Rod Blagojevich, and Dr. Phil, but that still leaves one more wolf tit to suckle.  Because she's a wolf, get it?  Now I've seen plenty of wolf tits in my time, and most of them have, like, six or eight or something, but I only see four here.  You must lose a couple wolf tits in the hybridization process.  Now, I know what you're thinking.  And no, there's nothing in the constitution about human/wolf hybrids running for office, so we must conclude that the founding fathers intended it.  Flawless logic, again.  Sometimes I amaze myself.  Maybe I should run for office, but I know all of you "birthers" out there would be all over it.  You see, I was born on a secret base on the dark side of the moon and, even though the American flag is up there, we don't own it...YET.  Suck it Russkies.

Thanks to Mr. Fox for scoping out this beautiful piece of art.  Wait, now I'm confused.  A fox photographing a she-wolf?  Ready to be even more confused?

Boggles the mind, don't it?  Like traveling to the fifth dimension on a cloud made of cotton candy, above marzipan valley.  Wait, what???

Here I Am...Kidnap You Like a Hurricane

Ok now I'm embarrassed because that headline is so stupid.  I mean, The Scorpions?  Really?

Ahhh, New Orleans.  Luckily, this Free Cute Dog was not alive during Hurricane Katrina, because she looks a little frail.  But you have to wonder, what makes a person give a dog away, especially one this cute and free.    It is quite a flattering picture, but I suspect foul play.  Don't I always?  The very next day, after sleeping in the van in a sticky pile of man flesh, we found this poster.

"Lost Dog, Chihuahua named 'Millie', $3000 reward for safe return, lost on the corner of Dauphine & Franklin, Marigny, 6 pm Saturday January 17 2010, Tan w/ white chest, 4 lbs., last seen wearing harness vest (red & cream with designs)."


And then it says "very, very dear to my heart" and it's in a little heart.  Poor lady.  And it's got to be a lady because what self respecting man would put a heart on his flier.  I know anyway, because the part I blocked out is a woman's name.  But you don't know that.  Well, I guess now you do.  You see how I did that?  I'll talk you in circles you buttfaces.  Also, up on the top in red, they've written "she's epileptic - needs meds!"  Where do I start with this?

That's a hell of a reward.  Lady must be pretty loaded.  Why would the people who abducted her offer this cute dog for free, and it's obviously the same dog.  I mean, tan with white chest?  It's a perfect match, but how would we ever know with these horrible photocopied pictures?

How do you know when a chihuahua is epileptic?  What, do they shake a lot and act really freaky?  Where do I get dog epilepsy meds?  Do they fuck you up?  Cause I want me some of that shit.  Anyway, I'm out of jokes.  Hope you enjoyed my great chihuahua conspiracy theory of New Orleans.  It's the most scandalous thing to happen to the city since the next post I'm about to write about.  You'll see...

Alien Bugs? That's a Stretch.

This one is in horrible shape, and I apologize for the quality.  But I'll never apologize for the quality of my writing.  I'm a regular Ernest Hemingway, except that I don't really care for his writing.  Now I'm confused.  Like James Joyce.

"Lost Monday 8-11-08 NEAR Salmon & 15th & Col. Saunders Park, PLEASE BRING HOME OUR BOY!  He is a small-med build, black with grey tufts on his legs and neck, med-haired, has Humane Society tags on his turquoise collar and is very shy.  Also micro-chipped.  Please call us.  We want him back.  Reward."


Wait, he's micro-chipped?  Isn't that the reason you micro chip pets, so you can find them when they try to escape your primate clutches?  Just saying.

What's strange about this one is the little picture they pasted on here.  If you look very closely, there's a little black speck in the lower left.  (Get your bifocals out, blindy)  That's some kind of insect larvae that has eaten the edges of the picture.  So, what was so delicious about the picture?  My theory; alien bugs.  They don't have great eyesight, but they find cats delectable.  Ha, the alien bugs thought it was a real cat.  But really, the cat got eaten by some other alien bugs.  It's pure irony.  Wait, that's not really irony.  Hemingway strikes again.

Who Wants a New Pair of Boots? Huh?

This is what happens when you build a highway through a gator infested swamp in Florida.  Some creepy guy takes a dump by the guardrail.

No, actually that's Zack, getting a really pleasant nose-full of bloated, rotting gator.  Why did I black his face out, you ask?  Acne.  No, really just experimenting with my crappy paint program, and you're the guinea pigs.  Or is Zack the guinea pig.  Or guinea gator.  Shit, I don't know how things work anymore.

We saw this guy, looking like I did the night before (passed out on cheap scotch somewhere in Fort Lauderdale), on Alligator Alley on our way to the Skunk Ape Research Center.  Don't ask.  Because I already explained it to you in the previous post about that freakish cricket we found; I even posted a link to real writing that, like, one person read, and I think it was Zack.  Jesus, you people.  Pay attention.

So our good buddy, and circus freak amigo, Scarecrow Jenkins, tried to chisel some teeth out with a ball peen hammer and a flathead screwdriver to no avail.  I don't know if that's legal or not, but it made for a nice roadside scene for happy families on their way to Orlando.  Wouldn't budge.  Turns out you have to slice deep into the gums with a knife first and pry them out.  If only I'd known that before, and not been overcome with dry heaves at the smell of the great beast.  And that stuff don't wash off, I'll tell you.  Can you imagine driving with that on your skin in 95 degree Florida humidity for three hours.  Me neither.  I was sleeping.  But there's always next time, and I'm selling necklackes.

You Cheap Bastard

I know times are tough economically, but $25?  I spent that much on beer today.  For breakfast.  Now where did it go?  Maybe I should make a missing poster for it.  Oh, right, in my belly.  Hopefully, this cute kitty isn't in someone's belly, but like I said, times are tough.
I know I'm supposed to post stuff every day, but sometimes I don't have time.  Hence, the gratuitous lack of posts this weekend.  But I'm back to make you uncomfortable, sitting here watching informercials on a Sunday night.  This makeup lady talking to me is a reptilian for sure.  You can always tell by the eyes.  Don't ask me how I know, because I'm not telling.  Once they know how I spot them, they'll be inside my brain, and there's no more room up there with all the staggering knowledge I have.  Oh, am I rambling?
Anyway, little Rafa the kitty has been gone a little while now.  Since he went missing on December 30th, I bet he went partying for New Years, getting all fucked up on catnip.  Because he disappeared on High Street.  Get it?  It's a stoner joke.  Ooh, ooh, he also had a "green" collar.  Man, I'm on fire here.  What?  No laughs. I know, I'm faltering pretty bad here.  Brain's too full of other stuff I guess, like really exciting geology articles I've been reading.  I mean, super exciting.  Thrilling...

So I Just Creeped Myself Out

We're not in Kansas anymore.  Well, not now, but we were in this picture.  Here's a really stupid tourist attraction in Liberal, Kansas (really not too many liberals there), called Dorothy's House or something lame like that, and there's all kinds of crappy Wizard of Oz stuff there.  We really just stopped so someone could take a shit, and shit they did.  Fox destroyed that bathroom with his ass.  Then he took this picture.  And it still gives me nightmares.  

But I Want to Pet It...

"Bison can weigh up to 2000 lbs, and sprint at 30 mph - about 3 times faster than you can run.  These animals may appear tame but are wild, unpredictable, and dangerous.  Do not approach bison!"


Psssh.  30 miles and hour.  I can run that.  With a sprained ankle.  Drunk.  And I'm bigger than that.  I weigh 4400 pounds, so there.  On the surface of the sun where I go for vacation!  But seriously check it out.  Here's the link.  http://www.exploratorium.edu/ronh/weight/index.html
Yeah.  I'm a nerd.

But really.  NO SHIT.  We found this in North Dakota and I have to ask; what's with you North Dakota?  You think I'm an idiot?  Well, I'm not, and I just proved it by not living in North Dakota.  POW!  Bet you feel bad about yourself now, huh?

That's Pretty Sad

One time I did see a purple rabbit.  But I think that was more a pink elephant type of thing, as I was hammered on Four Loco (damn you government, taking away our rights to make our hangovers even worse by chugging near lethal doses of caffeine on top of our malt liquor).  But anyway, I don't think that's a small brown holland lop.  Here's what probably happened.

Dad, coming home from work, found little Bugs dead in his cage and, not having the heart to tell little Suzy, he put him in a shoebox, dug a hole in the back yard and tossed him in, sending him to bunny heaven.

Suzy - Daddy.  Where's Bugs?  He's not in his cage.
Dad - I don't know, Suzy.  Maybe he went on vacation.
Suzy - Don't be silly, Daddy.  Bunnies don't go on vacation.
Dad - Then I don't know.
Suzy - We have to find him.  I'll make some posters.
Dad - You do that, Suzy.  (pours himself some scotch)  I'll be in the den.  I'm sure he'll turn up.
Suzy - Thanks, Daddy.  I love you.

Actually, little Suzy was me when I was a kid, and the bunny was a hamster.  And the scotch was bourbon.  That's how I know what happened.  Or maybe it was this...

"Missing Snake.  6.5 foot Red Tail Boa.  She escaped on 7/27 from 1470 Chambers.  If you see her, please call.  She is very docile & just fed.  Reward Offered!!"


Just fed.  Get it?  She ate the rabbit.  And I don't care how docile a boa constrictor is, they'll still wrap around your throat and choke you to death.  That's what reptiles do.  Kill other stuff.  So, please, Suzy, don't look too hard.  Daddy doesn't want to interrupt his drinking time with fishing you out of a snake's belly.  It's a real buzz kill.

Somebody Call Sherlock Holmes

You just have to love a good mystery.  I assume there once was a photograph attached in that big blank space on the left, but alas, it has gone missing as well.  I thought about making a missing poster for that photo, but I'm just so busy doing this crap.  It really is a quandary for me.  Like holding two mirrors against each other.  What do you see?  A window into another wonderful dimension where pets don't wander off?  Nope. Just an endless tunnel of mirrors.  Try it, I'm serious.  Let me know the results because, like I said, I'm just too busy.

"Missing!  Deeply Missed, Name:  Kush, Address: (withheld by me), Phone: (also withheld.  I'm trying to protect people's privacy here.  Jesus.), $Reward$, DEEPLY Missed"


So we know Kush is deeply missed; they said that twice.  Also, it's named Kush, whatever it is, so the owners are probably potheads.  You see how flawless my logic is?  Maybe it is weed.  That would be a pretty dumb poster to put up, sending teenagers all over town looking for that stray bag.  To smoke themselves.  Little do they know, I found it already.  And I smoked that shit.

I'll get back to this later.  I skipped bathing yesterday because I got sick and I wonder; which one of you dickholes gave me a cold?  Fess up!  I'm getting ripe, and if I find you, I'm totally giving you a face full of armpit, because I'm DEEPLY pissed.  HA!  Hilarious!  Once again, see how busy I am?

Nice Pink Highlighter Work

Well, I'm back from my three day weekend bender.  I was going to post yesterday, but I decided to continue pickling my liver.  Also, I think I may be getting sick, which is pretty awesome.  What better way to get well than by making fun of stuff?

"Missing Cat, My male tabby [grey & white, is about 1 1/2 years old in the pictures above.  Now I think he is about 3 1/2 years old.  Last seen around 28th & Ferry & Amazon Park, Thanks, Please Help!!"


Now I know that people are busy and it's hard to keep track of time, but this doesn't add up.  You think he's about 3 1/2 now, but seem certain he was 1 1/2 in the pictures, which you needed four of, because the intricacies of black and white copied photos might reveal some defining characteristics at different angles, especially when outlined in pretty purple marker.

So, this poster came from Eugene, Oregon.  Since I am a geography whiz, I'll tell you what happened.  The cat was attacked by a rogue gang of nutria from the Amazon Canal.  Sometimes, they team up as juvenile delinquents when their rodent parents are mean to them, and beat the shit out of other animals.  I know, I've seen it.  Stop stealing those bread crumbs!  They're for the ducks!  And speaking of ducks, this area is also close to the University of Oregon, leading me to believe perhaps the cat was abducted by frat boys interested in the dark arts who sacrifice animals in exchange for the athletic success of the UO teams.  And then, Phil Knight shows up and builds some garish new arena or something.  Farfetched?  Have you seen the new basketball floor?  It apparently gave national viewers a headache with its intense reflectivity.  If that's not black magic, I don't know what is.  Except for maybe spells and potions and stuff.

Sawyer Family News. Check it Out.

There a whole lot of stuff happening with the Sawyer Family this year.  And it's only January.  For all of you out there who follow us closely, you'll know that we are now affiliated with Bucket City Booking Agency, home of Joe Buck, Antiseen, The Independents, Jesco White, and 357 String Band, among many others.  But more importantly to us, our great friends from Michigan, The Goddamn Gallows, and our other great friends from Florida, Viva Le Vox.  We look forward to working with this eclectic group of artists in the near future.  Check out this page for more information.
http://bucketcity.ning.com/

The tour dates for February are getting finalized as I type this.  It's only a short one this time, through California and back home.  Check the Sawyer Family facebook page for details.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Sawyer-Family/209256389668
We are planning to get started recording the upcoming album in California in February as well.

March dates are pouring in by the day as well.  Tentatively scheduled for 8-10 weeks, this is the big one.  All over the country, so I'll have time again to find more missing posters and other weird shit around the country.  Like this.

That's us at Daniel Boone's grave in scenic Frankfort, Kentucky.  Who took the picture you ask?  Daniel Boone's ghost.  He's a fan.  No actually, it was Fox, whose birthday is today.  So go tell him how old he's getting.
Many of the March dates will be with Joe Buck and Viva Le Vox who, if you haven't heard of them before, will now be your new favorite bands.  That's an order.  Otherwise, I'll hold you in contempt of court.  So stay tuned for news, and more stuff that makes you uncomfortable.  I'm really not a bad guy, I just play one on the internet.

Goldenrod Paper? Why Do You Hate the Environment?

Sorry about the poor quality of this one, but no matter how much I've tried, I can't seem to perfect this weather machine to protect the integrity of the posters.  Also, it looks like somebody stepped on it.  I'm calling forensics right now to match up that shoe print.  Here's the text;

"Can't find my way home.  Brewski, 11 month old male lab/golden retriever mix, blue collar w/ blue tag."


Reading that made me thirsty.  I've probably had enough beer this weekend, though.  It's made me really emotional and all I can think about is how sad Brewski looks in that picture.  But also, how much I want to drink more brewski.  It's all very confusing.

Whoever made this flier; haven't you heard that goldenrod paper is no good for the environment.  Something about the ink makes the paper un-recyclable.  So it was probably karma.  Actually, I bet Brewski ran away to join Greenpeace, finally fed up with his Earth destroying human companions.  Always eating factory farmed meats, pesticide laden vegetables, buying disposable water bottles, printing stuff on goldenrod paper.  So it's a trade off.  Watch out Japanese whaling ships.  Brewski is coming for you.  And I hope he has an eyepatch and a pegleg.

What the Hell is That Thing?

All right.  It's not a missing poster, but if you lazy bastards read the introductory post, I said I was going to post strange things we've found on tour also.  So this qualifies.  Deal with it!

This is a terrifying cricket from the Florida Everglades.  We found it while exploring the Skunk Ape Research Center, and just had to play with it.  Because it's from the Cretaceous Period or something, and it's the closest we'll ever get to riding a Tyrannosaurus.  So marvel at its hot cricket body.  And also, read this for some of my more respectable writing.  The link is an article I wrote about the weird ass place.  It's kind of funny, but not as funny as your face.  Zing!
http://www.suite101.com/content/american-oddities---floridas-skunk-ape-research-center-a331811

I'm Innocent, I Swear.

Cops - Ok, Judge.  If that's your real name.  Tell us what you know about Brian Marquez.
Me - I don't know anything.  I swear.
Cops - We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way.  It's up to you.
Me - Oh, oh, oh.  Easy way, easy way.
Cops - If you just cooperate, we won't have to call in Sergeant McPuncher.  He's just what you think he is.
Me - An Irishman?
Cops - No, not an Irishman.  A face puncher.  Although, he might be Irish.  I'll have to check on that.
Me - Please don't mess up my pretty face.  It's how I make the big bucks.
Cops - I find that hard to believe.
Me - Why won't you believe me?  I'm telling the truth.
Cops - So you're sticking to your story?
Me - About the pretty face making me the big bucks?  Yes.
Cops - No.  About the murder.
Me- Oh, that.  Sorry.  Thought you were still talking about my money maker.
Cops - (Slamming hand down on the table)  Tell us what we want to know!  Did you kill Brian Marquez?
Me - Uh, what was it you wanted to know again?  I was distracted looking at my own reflection in the glass.
Cops - That's it!  Call in McPuncher.
(Enter Sgt. McPuncher)
McPuncher - Ay, laddy.  Ye gon'ta sing like a canary wee pusseh.  I be punchin' ye now.
Me - Ha.  I knew it.  He is Irish.
*punch*

You Did it Wrong! I Tell the Jokes Here.

This one's from Portland.  Again.  What is it about Portland and people losing their shit?  The problem here is, this smartass made the jokes for me.  I don't even have to say anything about this, because it's already funny.  But I will, because I never stop pleasing myself.  On the wiener.  Here's what it says if you can't read it.

"Missing (drawn by memory, may not be to scale), My bike was stolen from my front lawn last week.  It is a one-speed bike with a skull flag and a lightning bolt on it.  The lightning bolt and flag may have been removed.  This bike was brand new from the store.  No Reward.  I don't even want this bike back.  I just made these flyers to tell you that I hate you, bike thief.  I hope you ride my bike without a helmet and get hit by a monster truck.  I hope my bike takes you straight to hell."


Pretty good, right?  I know there is the possibility there was no bike in the first place.  But I don't care about that.  The point is, this was found hanging on a pole, therefore, it's fair game here.

So, I've already been accused a couple times of being a disgusting human being for writing this blog.  But what they don't understand is that I never claimed to be anything else.  I had beer for breakfast (although it was three pm at the time) today.  So I don't think there was ever a question about my moral fortitude.  So, try to laugh about it.  I don't see you guys out searching for missing people and pets, so, actually, I'm doing more for them than you are.  So there.

But, yeah.  Skull flag and lightning bolt?  Pretty sweet bike.  I would have stolen it too if I saw it just laying in the yard.  And rode it, with a helmet on, far from the monster truck show at the fairgrounds on Sunday Sunday Sunday.  But I'll probably go to hell anyway.  At least I'll have a bad ass one speed.

Thanks Sonia for this great find.  Keep searching.  And that goes for all of you.  You think I have time to search for posters all day?  I have all kinds of stuff to do.  Dishes, blogging, bathing.  It's hard being in a band.

Wait, A Person? That's Not Funny

Ok, the first missing person flier.  This one is really tiny, making me think they didn't really want to find her.  The text;

"Missing Person, Police in Edinburgh are appealing for information on the whereabouts of a 25-year-old woman who has been missing since June 2008.  Samantha Wright lived in Stevenson Drive in the Stenhouse area of Edinburgh but often frequented the city centre.  She is described as being white, of medium build, around 5 ft 6 ins tall, long brown wavy hair, pale complexion, dark brown eyes.  She often wore glasses and has an English accent.  Anyone who knows Samantha or has information on her whereabouts is asked to contact Lothian and Borders Police on the number below or Crimestoppers in confidence and complete anonymity"


Very professional, right?  So, obviously, somebody else gave us this poster.  The Sawyer Family has not been to Scotland yet.  They have Crimestoppers in Scotland?  Is it hooked up with Interpol or something?  I think I may be uncovering a great conspiracy here, the likes of which has not been seen since our reptilian overlords invented religion six thousand years ago.  Or maybe not.  But maybe so.


Thanks Christian.  Keep looking for posters in Edinburgh for us.  If you have time between crushing Englishman's skulls.   

He Doesn't Look Like A Harley. More Like a Vespa.

Maybe at one time, he was a badass, but in this picture, he looks pretty bummed.  Introducing Harley.  He used to cruise around the country with his bitch, tough as nails, but after the hip dysplasia kicked in, he couldn't shift his bike any more, and had to retire to Wheeler Rd.  Wheeler Rd, a fitting reminder of his glory days.  Here's the text.

"Missing Dog, Harley is a golden retriever mix.  He is very friendly.  He went missing from the Wheeler Rd. area.  We miss him very much.  Any information please call.  Thanks."


Who are you thanking?  And doesn't it seem suspicious that reward is written in ink next to the text?  My theory; someone else just wrote that in.  Maybe the guy who stole poor Harley.  When he saw there was no reward mentioned, he just strolled up and wrote it in.  Kind of an uncreative ransom note.  Sure, that's probably what happened.

Harley looks pretty damn old.  Maybe he took off in his dog RV for retirement.  Maybe he just spontaneously turned to dust.  He doesn't look too happy, does he?  But you know what they say.  The camera adds ten years of self loathing and agony.  And that's, like, sixteen thousand in dog years.  Wait, that's not how that goes.  Or that.  Nevermind.  Good luck, Harley.

OW! MY EYE!

I believe this one came from Portland, judging by the streets listed (and I am a Judge, after all).  Not too remarkable, except for the the burned out eyes.  If you can't see it, just take my word for it.  Someone crushed their cigarette out right in that poor cat's eye.  Here's the text, although it's probably not necessary, given that every word is huge.

"MISSING CAT, REWARD, SE SALMON & SE 15TH, *HE MIGHT BE STOLEN!?!* (sorry, I don't know how to type that little sun symbol), PLEASE BRING HIM HOME!  ORANGE LONG HAIR W/ WHITE PAWS & WHITE NECK)"


So, first of all, I don't understand the end parentheses, all alone out there without its partner.  Must be an asexual parentheses.  I know some of you out there are frightened, or morally opposed to asexual parentheses, but this sort of behavior is well accepted in Portland, a bastion of alternative sexuality for punctuation marks.

But back to the topic at hand.  I know that people will steal anything, but what makes a person think their cat was stolen right off the bat?  (Ooh, did you see that?  Another animal reference.  Almost slipped by you didn't it?  Bat.)  Couldn't he have just taken off, after the most delicious mouse ever?  Or maybe he got wasted on catnip and woke up in cat detox.  Who knows?  Maybe the person who burned out his eyes took him.  The most common mistake for a cat-napper (no, not that kind) is to return to the scene of the crime.

Those little suns look nice.  Just got the news today that here in Western Oregon, it's warmer than it is in Miami, Florida.  But it's pouring outside.  So that's why I'm fixated on those little suns.  God, I can just imagine how nice it must be to bask in their inky glow.  Anyway...

Just saying; maybe you should have spent more time looking for him than drawing little mysterious symbols on your flier.

I Blame Sylvester

What can I say about this?  There are so many options.  Here's the text.

"Lost Bird, Answers to Tweety.  Lost on Sunday evening, August 10th.  If you hear or see her, PLEASE call"


If you didn't get the reference in the title, the bird's name is Tweety.  Remember?  Sylvester was always trying to catch Tweety Bird?  Tweety's owners really should have known something was up when that sweet talking, lisping cat-man in a suit showed up at the door to inspect the plumbing or whatever.  But really, when does a bird answer to anything?  Also, how do you lose a bird?  Don't they just fly away?  And if you clipped his wings, what, did he walk out?  Or waddle?  What kind of a bird is this anyway?  Would anyone be able to recognize him by hearing him?  The questions never stop.  Was he a victim of the massive bird die-offs recently.  Sorry, but I think the odds of finding Tweety are not so great.  I know what you're going to say; "you're dethpicable."  Am I right?

First Post, Location Unknown

Tada!  The first real post ever on "Missing."  Searching through the archives today, I realized I was not very diligent about keeping track of the locations of these posters.  But you probably don't care much about that anyway.  Right?  (psst...say yes).  We know that this dog was lost on Northwood Avenue, somewhere USA.  Or maybe the owner lives there.  Maybe they should have specified.  If you're using a crappy monitor, I'll tell you what it says.

"PLEASE HELP!  20 Northwood Avenue, Yellow Lab Mix, Black/Blue Tongue, Sweet Dog, Male Neutered, Had Chain Attached, Name is 'Stush,' (Rhymes with Hush), North Main Area"

So, I have to admit, the first time I saw this, I thought it was a baby seal in the snow, and I'd found a real gem of a poster.  But it's only Stush, the yellow lab mix.  I truly hope someone else did not mistake him for a baby seal and clubbed him to save their salmon fishery.  (I'm looking your way Paul McCartney.  Don't prove me right.)  Let's see...other jokes.  Ah, got one.  Maybe he wouldn't have ran away if you didn't beat the shit out of his tongue.  Get it?  Black/blue tongue?  I know.  It's not great.  Anyway, good luck finding your way home Stush.  I hope whoever has that phone number I blocked out finds you.  But what I really hope is that Stush is living peacefully with polar bears and eskimos in the great white north, along with his other seal buddies.

Welcome Newcomers

Howdy, folks.  Judge Sawyer here.  The Sawyer Family has finally decided to move into the modern age, and I, your humble servant, have been burdened with the weight of all of your expectations of us.  Introducing "Missing," the all new, shiny and fresh, Sawyer Family blog.  There's much more than just music here.  But there will be some of that too.  The premise is this; visual, often humorous accounts of our travels told through the strange artifacts we find.  You see, we have a nasty habit of swiping missing posters from telephone poles around the nation.  Also, oddities we've spotted.  During our travels around this massive country, we have found some real gems we'd like to share with you.  It's our way of remembering where we were.  And now, you can enjoy them as well.

Now I know what you are thinking; is it a morbid, despicable habit?  Probably.  But I retort; aren't we exposing these missing posters to a wider audience by showing them on the internet?  So why am I making fun of them on here?  Simple.  If we don't laugh at things on tour, we'd probably blow our brains out.  We do hope that little kid finds his lost kitty, but if he does or doesn't, we'll be a thousand miles away.  And in time, I'll open up the site and let you guys send me what you've found.  So don't photoshop shit and try to convince me you saw it on a pole in Omaha.  These are all real.  Tragic, yes.  Funny, usually.  I thought about calling it "Lost and Found," because that's kind of a pun, and puns are the funniest shit in the world lame.  Instead, "Missing" won out, because that's how we feel when we're on the road.   

So just relax.  I'm just getting started here, so keep checking back for more.  We'll try to post something at least once a day for you to enjoy.  Whether it's news about upcoming tours, recordings, new missing posters, or just general babble from us (being drunks), I promise you will be entertained.  If you're not, then your own missing poster just might show up on here in the future.  Threat?  No.  Oh, wait... I mean yes.